Running Low

(The above photos have nothing, and everything, to do with home school, they all show what we do at home, what we juggle daily.)

I love homeschooling, sometimes. But lately not so much. To be completely honest with you we're all struggling. And it feels a bit like we've been struggling the whole year. Lots of procrastination, lots of switching things up- trying to find things that work, and lots of ideas that don't seem to work. LOTS of web searches trying to find answers, solutions, inspiration.

Now I'm not saying this year has been a total bust, and I should probably cut myself some slack- it's only my second year with Owen (3rd grade), and the first with the girls (6th and 9th). And there's a learning curve I'm sure I still need to master. And a rhythm and groove we haven't found.  Things with Owen have been slow and steady, but we're hitting a road block and he is fighting me at every turn. The girls are still learning how to not be in school, and testing the limits on what they can get away with NOT doing. (Not the best idea for a high school-er, where her grades and transcripts matter if she wants to go on to college.)

We've gone through this pretty regularly since oh November, so it's not just Spring/cabin fever. I'm not sure if they feel as if they're struggling, and as the teacher, and the mom, the one who is held accountable, I sure am. Struggling with the decision, struggling with feelings of failure, struggling with what to do about it all.

Things I've tried, thought about, and wonder about-

curriculum from text books

curriculum from websites (the have it all ones)

units

self-directed learning

making my own curriculum 

letting go completely

unschooling

getting the kids involved in the process

what they "would/should" be learning in public school

concentrating on their interests

rewards/consequences for getting work done, in a timely matter

badgering, nagging, pleading, yelling, crying

Things I haven't tried, or am afraid to try-

unschooling

field trips

homeschool groups

letting go

Why I haven't for some of these- unschooling- because I know my kids and they would spend the time playing computer games all day long (and not the ones where they learn anything) or on facebook/quotev/rpg games. Because I'm not sure if they'll someday return to the public school scene and I don't want them to fall behind. Because I'm really not sure how to- they say kids are always learning, but learning skills that'll help them in life is questionable. I trust this thought process for younger children (kinder and under, maybe up to 1st/2nd grade), but after a certain age I don't know how they'd learn things like Algebra, advanced Biology or multiplication/division in everyday life. Maybe it's me, and I don't have enough interest to always sit and look the info up with my kids (interest, time, motivation, desire). I also feel it's incredibly important for them to learn to to the research/work- I love doing it myself, for my interests, and want them to be able to find it themselves.  Field trips- until recently there really hasn't been much to do around here, other than the library and a single state park, there was nothing for a good 45 minutes that, I feel, has any real learning value. Now we have Discovery Park of America, and I so want to take them, it's a real asset to home education and the community. BUT, yes I have a but as always, it's not affordable to us. For me and the payable (age wise) kids it'd cost us $75+ per visit, and a they don't have yearly passes for families- I'd have to buy individual passes for each, at a cost of $300+. Too much for our budget. Home school groups- now I'm not opposed to participating in one, or more, but there's only one in this area, and it's a Christian based one (for Pagans this is not attractive). Letting go- I'm responsible, as the teacher, the mother, the administrator, for their education, and that's a big thing. No one wants to raise children who can't contribute to society, who can't better their lives (past the parents' point).  It's a big weight on all parents shoulders, homeschoolers or not. So to completely let go and give up, would be irresponsible.

Why don't I just send them back to public school, this seems to overwhelm me so much?

For Owen, it's really not an option- the public schools can't, or won't, meet his needs (too advanced to be in special ed classes, behavioral issues they won't address, except with a paddle, and "not enough funds" to get him the support he needs). For the girls- I've been in middle school myself, watched my eldest 2 daughters struggle through it and don't want to put my youngest 2 daughter through it ever. And high school here has way too much to do with social lives than school. And really for both I don't want my girls to just learn how to take tests (standardized) but to learn to learn and love to learn! And I'm not a quitter, I have to try something through to the end, and find a successful (for me) way to meet my goal, I know I can do this. WE can do this, I just may need to stop putting the round peg in the square hole.

So what now?

Well today I don't honestly know. For today make it through the lessons and not give up. Not be beat down by the procrastination, the temper tantrums, the refusals. (Yes I'm guilty of giving up- I get overwhelmed by the opposition, and fighting, and don't, can't battle them, and myself sometimes, without throwing in the flag. I've been doing this a bit too often lately.) Keep looking for a solution. Maybe reach out and contact another homeschooling mom, that has experience, and insight I don't, for advice or ideas. And remember not to beat myself up too much.

And keep in the front of my mind THIS is important to me, to them. I want to enjoy it, I want them to enjoy it. We're new to this, and it's a learning curve. We have ups and downs. We WILL find our groove, what works for each of them, and we will make strides. Eventually. But it doesn't have to be today.